Not so quarter life crisis

Do you ever heard about quarter life crisis?

Only 4 days left to my birthday, and it’s not 25, but I know that now I am experiencing my ‘not so quarter life crisis’. Everyday I felt anxious and dizzy at the same time, thinking about my future, “who I want to be? Why I’ve taken this path?, etc”. Earlier in 2015, I lost my Dad, and it’s a beginning of my gloomy moment. I couldn’t tell the detail, but it’s really hurt to lost your parent and then everything fell on you, like your world falling apart, and then you don’t know what to do.

The communication between me and my mom is not always good after my father passed away, but this is the lowest point after all. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the truth because tell a lie is always an easy way. I look back at the past time, and I knew that something missed in my teenage times, and it’s because of her. She never admitted that it was her fault to ignored her only daughter (like always), and I’m the one who always keep silent because I don’t want to hurt my mom’s feeling. In the end, I always keep my tears alone in my room, hoping that my life would change. The experienced I had with my mom always haunting me and I don’t want Jasmine (my daughter) to experiences the same.

If you love someone, please prove it, don’t just say ‘I love you’, because ‘I love you’ is only a nice words. 

And the most hurting words came from my mom’s mouth was “I never expected you would grown up to be like this”

Yeah, did you ever guide me to the ‘right path’? Did you ever try to give me your best, like your parents gave to you? 

I never blamed you before, because I thought that it wasn’t your fault, it’s because of what happened in our family, you focused only to ‘him’, all the times. But after what happened to Dad last year, and what I had told you, I know that you don’t really care. And again, it came up quickly on my mind, how could you?

I have a daughter now, and when I see her face I know that her future is my duty, I should prepare her to face the world, I should educate her, and the most important: I should give her the best thing I could do. I shouldn’t let her face the world without guidance, I should let her cry in my shoulder, and I should encourage her, give my best support, all I can do to make her can face her future.

After Jasmine was born, my world’s changing.

She is the most beautiful baby (for me, of course). And what I love most about her, she is so determine. She seldom cries and sleeps late at night (that’s why I never experienced lack of sleep after she was a months old), and she seldom cries when I bring her everywhere, she only cries when she wants breastmilk or want to sleep, and sometimes when I left her to the bathroom 😝

What happened on the last week changed my perspective, and I knew that I should change my life all by myself. I shouldn’t let my hope to a human too high, only to Allah I can lean on. Btw, I still love my mom, whatever she had done to me.

After all this time? Always 😊